Blatherskite

Foolish Gibberish

Posts tagged ‘death’

Wayback Wednesday

Eddie

Saturday was my Uncle Will’s funeral in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Raf and I made the long drive to Spokane for the weekend. it was really good to see my family. We had a really great visit on Friday night when Raf and I finally arrived. The service was really nice, as was the reception afterward (as they all usually are. Have you ever said you’ve been to a bad funeral and reception?). At the reception I had a conversation with my mom’s friend about my cousin, Eddie. Eddie is the guy you see in the photo above. Whenever I think about Eddie think about this photo. I didn’t know him at all. Met him maybe twice in my life. He was a lot older than me. But I always thought he was a handsome guy.

I am not sure about the details  but, if I am recalling the conversation, he had been reunited with my uncle. He disassociated himself with his family for a long time (I believe, I could be getting my facts wrong) but he had been located. I thought, “Oh cool. maybe I will get to meet him again.”

Well, that will never happen because he died that very evening in the hospital. Apparently he was in the hospital.

Again, I didn’t know him so this loss doesn’t hurt like the loss of my Uncle Will. But, still, it is a blow to my family. It’s sad because he was so young and his death could have been prevented, I think. But there is nothing that can be done about that now. I only bring it up because it makes me think about myself and  my habits and it makes me wonder if I should be taking better care of myself.

Rest in peace, Eddie. We’ll meet again someday.

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The bond I had with my Uncle Will.

In July of 2009 I applied for a job at a library in a small town 30 miles east of Portland that I had driven through once. I came here to interview and was delighted with the place and with the people who interviewed me. Lucky for me, the feeling was mutual. When I told my mom that I was moving to Sandy, Oregon she came back with an interesting reply, “Really? Sandy? Your uncle lived there in the 1960s. Did you know that?” No. I did not know that.

The story is that my uncle lived in the area for awhile and loved it here. Then a couple of tragedies struck the family which caused them to move down into Portland. One of those tragedies was the death of his 2 year old daughter. She drowned in a creek near the home. There was a cemetery next to his house where he buried her. I remember my uncle talking about this place a few years ago, not knowing exactly where it was. He described it as “beautiful” and mentioned that he wanted to be buried there. And also said anyone in his family could be buried there too.

When I moved here he asked me to go to this cemetery from time to time to check up on the graves of my cousins (another of his sons was buried there in 2002). I was totally happy to oblige. However, I couldn’t find it. I can’t tell you how many times I drove up and down Cherryville Road looking for this cemetery with no luck whatsoever. My uncle even drew me a map at one point and it still didn’t help. I asked people in the community about it and nobody could help me. Nobody knew it even existed! Or if they knew it existed, it existed as a kind of urban legend. This cemetery  completely confounded me.

He came to visit a year ago last July and finally took me there himself. Visiting this place will be forever marked in my history as one of the most surreal of my existence. We drove into what seemed like the dirt road of somebody’s house. We ended up at a very dense grove of trees. Very dense. it was impossible to see what was on the other side of them. Uncle Will opened the trunk of his car, grabbed some garden loppers and weed killer, handed me a pair of loppers, and walked toward a small opening of this grove. He seemed to know exactly where to go and cut a hole into the opening. I reluctantly followed him into this strange place. It was absolutely incredible. Above me was as canopy of thick Douglas Firs. Around me was moss, ivy and fern, growing all over everything. The tops of turn-of-the-century headstones  peeked out of the ivy. We bush-whacked our way to the back of the cemetery where we found the grave-markers of my cousins. They were the only graves in the cemetery that could be seen (aside from the taller headstones) because he’d been coming there every year to take care of them.

It was a beautiful summer day in July. The sun was starting to set and the light filtered through the trees and lighted the graves perfectly as we stood around the graves and said a Hail Mary. My uncle was very happy. He seemed to be at peace there. I could totally see why. I thought to myself, “This place is magical and beautiful.”

Now I knew where the cemetery was but how was I going to take care of it? It was overwhelmingly overgrown. There was no way I could compete with the Oregon Forest.

Lo and Behold, an effort was made to clean it up! Somebody who also has family buried there headed this up a year ago and since then amazing work as been done. In many ways it has brought our community together too. Lots of people who live here have been in on this project and have enjoyed uncovering history in their own backyard. I think about this effort and it blows my mind. This was a cemetery that was slowly being swallowed by the forest but it has been saved.

Yesterday I was driving to the library to run an errand. As I sat at the stoplight I had this urgent thought that I really needed to call my cousin to let him know that I am here to help him in any way. Then I burst into tears while I was sitting there. I felt the deepest sensation of grief deep down to the core of my heart. I had this profound feeling that he was gone. That he had departed from this earth. I waited for my mom to call me and tell me the news. Finally, I had to text her to check in. She told  me that he passed at 12:30. Around the same time I was thinking about him at the stoplight.

We shared this little bond, this mystery of the cemetery. I am so glad that he was able to see that the restoration effort began there. I know that made him happy.

Here is the last photo I took of him. It was taken the day he took me to the cemetery and while we were standing at his kid’s graves. It’s not a very good photo (he looks kind of crazy) but it does show how happy and excited he was to be there.

Rest in peace Uncle Will. See you on the other side.

Uncle Will

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Death, Grief, Love*

Grief

Grief (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Death is the calm presence of a male nurse in the hospital room at 3 am describing the act: “You take a breath and die.”

Grief is the dull ache deep inside the soul that is always there, sometimes forgotten, but never ignored when it makes its presence known.

Love is the compulsion to drive all day, on icy roads, to say goodbye.

*Another draft I found in the Dashboard. written July 3, 2010. I was really hurting back then. I am better now. 

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The Daily Post asks us to do this:

 For this week’s writing challenge: tell us about a moment when your life was changed in a split second. The good, the bad, the funny, and the thought-provoking, our lives are composed of a series of meaningful events that help to shape who we are. Every now and then, we get a wake-up call where a snap decision or revelation changes our perspective completely.

 

Again, this is very timely for me since it is “that” time of year. The sad time of year. Thanksgiving will always be that way for me, I’m afraid. It does get a little better with each year though. Last night I was able to talk about Pea Salad without bursting into tears.

I thought about a particular moment this past weekend. I thought about the moment my mom called to tell me that Doug was dying. It felt like the bottom dropped out and I was so afraid of what I was about to face. But that moment isn’t the one that changed my life forever.  The moment that changed me was the moment that he took his last breath.  I will never forget that moment because it completely changed me forever.

It was a very profound moment. It was the moment I realized that death is part of life, and that life is tenuous.

Image created with #Snapseed #8:50

 

“The whole idea of being at peace just pisses her off. At peace. Who but the insane would ever be at peace? What person who has enjoyed life could possibly think that one is enough? Who could live even a day and not feel the sweet ache of regret?” – Jess Walter, Beautiful Ruins

Regret is something has crossed my mind a lot lately. This idea of “living life with no regrets.” I often wonder if, at the end of my life, I will have regrets. The answer is “yes.” I probably will. There is a lot of pressure infused into this “no regrets” philosophy. On the other hand, I can understand the desire to accomplish all that one wants to accomplish. There is this one chance to do it, so just do it.

Or I could give up on all of that and just deal with what is right in front of my face, good or bad.

I am reading Beautiful Ruins right now and really loved this quote. It, in a way, gives some perspective on this uneasiness I have with the “no regrets” philosophy.

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