Today is the last day of November, and, thus, the last day of Nanoblomo 2010! Will I ever post on my blog again? that remains to be seen. I’m kind of glad the pressure’s off though (not that there was much pressure to begin with…)
For my last post I’m going to share a writing exercise from the book, “An Old Friend From Far Away” by Natalie Goldberg. I’ve been thinking about this event a lot lately. I have no idea why. It seems so insignificant. And yet, there it is, on my mind.
Tell me about a time you remember rain.
I miss the winters of Santa Cruz. In December we would get torrential downpours with high winds that would tear down anything in it’s path. I remember one night on a December evening after work I went out to the laundry room to switch out my laundry. It was a typical epic winter storm. Wind and rain. It was raining so hard that I was soaked in the short 100 yard walk to the laundry room. It was noisy, too. All I could hear was the rain hitting the pavement.
As I walked to the laundry room I saw this gigantic dog standing on the sidewalk a few feet from me. It was a white dog and it had short hair. It had to be half as tall as me. It was just standing there in the rain, letting it fall down on him. It didn’t run away when I approached. I didn’t actually walk up to it but I had to walk by it as I walked to the laundry room. As I moved my clothes from the washer to the dryer I was a little worried about walking back to my apartment. This dog was big and I didn’t quite trust it. It was really weird, the way it was just sitting there in the rain.
When I walked out of the laundry room it was gone. Sometimes I wonder if it was some kind of hallucination. It was really strange the way it was just standing there in this storm. But I know I have an over-active imagination. I’m sure it just left to go find it’s home.
At least that’s what Raf exclaimed, somewhat sarcastically, when he saw this first. “The snow melted into the shape of a reindeer!” I walked over to where he was. “Holy shit! You’re right” (in case you didn’t know I talk like a sailor in real life. I’m sorry if you have sensitive ears). This random pile of snow in the forest melted into the shape of a reindeer! How weird is that?
Unfortunately, I’m not sure my picture does this incredible scene justice. Raf said that my photo doesn’t look like a reindeer at all. I think it does, but maybe that’s because I already have the picture of it in my head.
Raf started his new job yesterday and he works late and I was bored and decided to practice my ukulele. Then I got the bright idea to record a video of me playing the ukulele for my blog. Admittedly, there was a beer involved in this decision making process. ahem.
I am learning Christmas music right now for a concert the uke orchestra I’m in is giving. I’m still not the best at this. I have trouble getting to chords. So please forgive my sloppy playing.
I’m not sure why this video still looks like all of the blood has been sucked out of my body. oh well.
Today marks exactly one year since Doug died. I have been sort of dreading this day. I’ve actually been dreading this whole holiday weekend because I knew it would be difficult.
I’ve thought about that day many, many times over the past year. It is impossible to think about without tears welling up, no matter how hard I try to keep it together. I can’t think about that day without crying even just a little bit.
That moment when he died was the worst, most horrible pain I have ever known. It is still a very raw wound and when I poke at it it hurts.
I wonder a lot why it hurts so much. I’ve lost loved ones before and that was very painful too. But there was something about watching my stepdad die right in front of me that might have fucked me up just a little bit forever.
I remember my mom telling him to go, to just let go, and he listened to her. He did let go. his breathing became more shallow and then he took his last breath. And when he did It was like my heart just completely broke. I audibly said, “no” because I couldn’t deal with what was happening right in front of me. I couldn’t let go. I didn’t want to let go. And yet I had to let go because he was leaving us.
And then he was gone. It was just his body laying there on the bed. He looked so peaceful, like he could have been asleep. But he wasn’t there. It was the vessel that held him that was left behind, laying there on the bed.
It has taken me three days to write this post. I keep trying add something here at this point about how in that moment of great suffering I have also found great joy. But I can’t seem to write it without it sounding cliche. And I think, also, that the whole finding joy part deserves more than just something tacked onto the end of this post.
I think what I wanted to do today was just acknowledge this moment that happened exactly a year ago because it was significant.
I started writing another post about Google Maps but I wasn’t feeling it so I thought, instead, I would delve into the Flickr Time machine again. This time I thought I would go back a few more years, to 2006. This was actually taken on November 27 of that year. It is a picture of an abandoned car in the wooded area that was a few blocks behind my house in Spokane. For some bizarre reason I don’t understand, it has gotten a large number of views. At least a large number of views for my photostream. For many people 268 views is nothing but for me it’s quite significant. Why are people interested in an abandoned car?
Of course this is coming from the person who took the weird photo in the first place.
Anyway, Raf and I had moved into our house the previous June and so it was still “new” to us. I hadn’t had much of a chance to explore the neighborhood so was really excited to find this unpopulated place so close to my house. It was kind of a fun adventure.