"Fallen" by Unpolarized on Flickr

I have been really, really struggling with depression lately. I’ve never felt it this bad before. I have certainly had my depressed moments, as anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time has concluded, but this more recent bout has been really difficult. The past couple of days I have felt like I don’t know who I am. It’s as if someone else is living in my body. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. Yesterday morning before work I curled up on the floor in the fetal position and just cried. For no apparent reason.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I have been having some stress in my life. But I’ve always managed to get through stress without crumpling into a blubbering baby. This has been different. It definately feels like a chemical thing. Now I know why people choose to go on antidepressants. I’m almost at that point myself.

I do feel better today. Again, I have no idea why I feel better today. My problems are still there. But I feel more like myself. I hope I stay this way for awhile. I really don’t want to go back to that place where I have been the past few days.

I’m wondering if I have S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder.) It has been dark here in Spokane and cold for weeks and I am wondering if it’s getting to me. I remember when I was a kid I would get really depressed this time of year. There was one time in particular when I was about six years old. It was around this time of year. It was snowing outside. I remember just staring out the window, looking at the snow falling down, and just crying. It felt like winter would never end and I was sick of it. I felt trapped. That is how I feel right now. Trapped. It’s been very cold now for about a month. Like in the teens and twenties during the day. We’ve been trying to get out to go for walks on the weekend but the cold really makes it difficult to enjoy it. I feel like I need to get out of my house and get out into the wilderness again, but I can’t.