thoughts on turning 40


note: One of the things I am trying to do is write everyday. To make things easier for me I’m doing my daily writing here on my blog space. Most of these posts will be private, but some of them I think I will just go ahead and post. It’s all a bunch of rambling jibberish, but who knows. Maybe someone will like it 🙂

Here I am again. I told myself I would write and, damn it, I’m gonna write. Everyday.

I’ve been having really interesting dreams lately. I’ve already forgotten most of the dream from last night to write it down in a coherent fashion but it made me feel really nice. I think it was about love, and how important it is. I feel so blessed to be loved by Rafael. Especially after all of these years. I’m so happy that he still loves me and thinks of me as attractive.

I’m upset that I’m turning 40. I want to be o.k. with it but I’m not. I’m freaked out about it. It is over the hill. It really is. I can’t get around that. I can’t get away with pretending I’m in my 20s or 30s. I’m fucking 40. ugh. It’s depressing. I feel like I need to accomplish something big. This is the decade that I do that. I don’t have kids, and still don’t know if I will. So I need to do something with my life. Something that matters. Something that I can look back on and be proud of. I was heartened to hear the story of Woody Allen and that he didn’t start making films until he was 40. Now, I hate Woody Allen. I think he’s a complete jerk, but the guys makes good films. So it made me feel good to know that he didn’t accomplish this until he was 40. Maybe there is hope for me?

This might seem weird but I think that thing is writing. I had a kind of weird experience last Summer. I was sitting at a writer’s program we were having at the library, listening to Terry Trueman talk about his books, and I had a very clear feeling that that is what I should be doing. It was strange. It was like something outside of myself was telling me this and it was very loud. It was telling me that I should be writing for young adults. I kept having these feelings, and keep having them actually. Another time it happened when it felt very strong, like my intuition was yelling at me, was when I was at a Sherman Alexie event. I was so moved by him and and his writing. That little voice inside of me was yelling at me, saying, “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS MONICA.”

And yet, I am not. This frustrates me. I feel empty. I feel like my ideas are dumb. I don’t know where to start. Hell, I don’t take the time out of my day to sit down and write. But books don’t write themselves. I need to make it happen.

This is going to be my mantra for 2009 I think. Because so far, the three weeks of it, this year hasn’t been the best. I mean, we still have the crappy weather and the crappy snow. I just came to the realization that I need to make it a good year. I need to do it. It is not going to happen unless I do it.

So I will do it.