In which the Precepts come to my rescue.

Life, Thoughts and Opinions

I don’t know about anybody else but the upcoming election and the news around it has spun me into a state of anxiety, the likes of which I haven’t seen in a very long time. My mind is racing and I can’t get a proper night’s sleep. Combine this with the fact that it’s “that time of year” and I’ve not really been myself lately.

Depression is a sneaky bastard. Lately I will be in the middle of a really horrible, self depreciating thought and something will make me come to my senses and I will realize, “Oh, I’m in a depression. And depression lies. OK. this makes sense now.” It’s at that point when I change my approach to self compassion and doing the things that I need to do as my brain works it’s way out of this sate.

This happened to me a couple of days ago. As I was realizing the state I was in I was thinking about how I do stupid things when I’m depressed, and I do them because my brain is telling me lies. I get worked up emotionally about delusions and then I act on those emotions sometimes and then I have to deal with the aftermath of these actions.

I realized that I have a tool to help me through this! The Precepts. I am so grateful for the precepts.  I have come to look at them as like a kind of roadmap to life. When I am in this deluded state I can look to the Precepts to help guide me to the right action, regardless how I feel. I can trust that whatever action I take, if it is based on the Precepts, things will be alright. If nothing else, I won’t have to deal with the karma of  my bad actions on top of the terrible feelings of despair that go along with depression.

Just having this realization has made me feel a lot better.

As a side note to myself, In light of this realization, I think I am going to make zazen a priority. I have been having a hard time motivating myself to meditate and that’s bullshit. All of the precept study in the world does nothing if I am not regularly practicing zazen everyday. 

better

Life

Okay, I’m feeling better today. I don’t know if I have mentioned this on the blog, but I have some anxiety about speaking in front of people. Sometimes it’s anxiety beforehand and then once I am actually doing it I’m fine. But there have been times where I’m in the middle of my presentation and I get a panic attack. It sucks. It’s like I’m just standing there in front of all of these people and I freeze. And then I kind of try to make it through to the end and I think I kind of do okay, but I still end up feeling like an idiot.

So for work I have to go into 18 High School Freshmen classes and give them a little lecture on how to use our library. I am well prepared. I know what I am going to say down to the last sentence. But I’m still a little bit freaked out. I keep telling myself it will be okay, and I’m sure it will be, but still. There is that fear.

anxiety

Life

Well. 2007 is proving to be a fantastic year. ugh. It started on the 3rd. I realized that people are mean and cruel. That’s all I can say about that because it doesn’t involve me directly. Then last night I woke up at 3:00 AM and just laid there wide awake unable to fall back asleep due to some anxiety and stress that I have about something that I have to do for work. So this messes me up with my excercise plan because I accidentally slept passed the alarm. Now I don’t have time to excercise before work. Great.

Well. At least the Democrats are in power. That’s good news.