I was getting ready for work and listening to music, as one does, and the fabulous song by Joe Jackson, Steppin’ Out, played. I was recently reminded of that song on Fluxblog a few weeks ago and it’s been in my head ever since. I thought I was going to write about it today as I was listening to it. But then “This Woman’s Work” by Kate Bush played right afterwards and I found myself, a few bars in, covered in my own tears, sobbing. I think the universe knows that I needed a good cry this week. I didn’t think this week would be hard for me, but it’s proving to be very emotional. I am being haunted by ghosts.
So I will leave the video here, in case you want a good, cathartic, cry too.
Tomorrow I will be back with my regularly scheduled photography.
In one of my tarot decks the 3 of swords card is represented by an image of an airplane flying through the sky. More traditionally, the 3 of swords card is represented by a heart pierced with 3 swords. There is no question what this card means. It is the card of heartbreak. I think everyone knows this feeling well. The feeling of heartbreak literally feels like swords piercing your heart. So I find it interesting that the 3 of swords card is represented by an airplane in this particular deck. For me airplanes stir up all kinds of feelings which include happiness, sadness, and anxiety. There is the excitement of getting on one when you are about to fly across the world to visit a place you have never been before, the anticipation of things to come. Then there is the gut wrenching feeling of separation when you see loved ones get on a plane to leave, or when you get on a plane to leave a loved one. That feeling of separation is heartbreak. It is swords piercing the heart.
Sometimes when you are in the middle of a heartbreak it feels like there will never be a way out. But there always is. There is always a destination. The plane will land at the end of the journey and you will get on with your life.
Today I am thinking about my stepfather, Doug, and his death 9 years ago. Heartbreak is a weird thing. There is a feeling of very painful grief, but then within that grief there is also a release, a feeling that there is a destination, that there is an other side. You just have to get through these clouds first before you get there.
This is one of the photos I printed to have hanging in the library this month. The photos were hung the other day and it was really awesome to come to work to find my photos the ones featured on our art wall. Kind of surreal, actually. In an wonderful way. 🙂
Now for the musical soundtrack for this post. Honestly, this should be a different blog post because the song has nothing at all to do with the photo. The only reason I’m posting it is because it’s been an earworm for me the past couple of days. I woke up crying yesterday with this song stuck in my head after a dream in which David Bowie made an appearance. I am not sure what it was all about but it did leave me feeling sad and foggy brained all day yesterday. I am feeling much happier today but have been thinking about what was going on in my head yesterday. I realized that this week (a couple of days ago) marks the 8 year anniversary of my stepfather’s death, so I think there has been some sadness seeping through. Which is totally fine. As I was on the elliptical machine today I thought: you know, I hope I never stop feeling sadness for those that I love who have passed on. They deserve to be remembered and missed.
Here is another one from the archives, from my series of first photos.
This is one of my all time favorite photos. I love that my brother is sticking his tongue out at me as I take the photo. Doug and mom look like they want to sell us to the circus. Also, I totally dig the way the composition is shifted to the left, clearly I didn’t understand how to compensate for the viewfinder of whatever camera I was using (what camera was I using?!?).
I took this (I think) at Glacier Park. I think this was right before Doug and my mom were married. That Doug still married my mom after enduring my brother and I that week shows how epic his love for her was ;).
I remember fighting constantly with my little brother that trip, and listening to Duran Duran incessantly.
Today is my stepdad’s birthday. He passed away in 2009 and I still miss him. I’ve been thinking about him lately because he appeared in my dream a few nights ago. For the life of me, I can’t remember what it was about. I’ve been thinking a lot lately (for some reason) about watching him die, and what a profound (and painful) experience that was.
Here is a photo from Dublin in April of last year. One of the things I really wanted to do was find Doyle’s Pub in his honor.