So today is the day where I am supposed to look ahead and talk about the things I want for the upcoming year. And I am tempted to do this because I have a lot of things that I want to strive for. If I am not anything else, I am a serial striver. I like to have things (ok, let’s call them goals) to work toward.
But this morning I had a kind of epiphany. I was sitting here, feeling bad from the drinking and the sugar overdose from last night as I ate a piece of cake and piece of pizza for breakfast. As I noticed the layer of plaque on my teeth I started to beat myself up a little bit for not brushing my teeth before I went to bed. I thought about how much that one small act, brushing my teeth before going to bed, affects me and my self worth. It’s kind of weird actually, how one small thing can affect me in such a big way. Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night and layed in bed, worried about a number of things (as one does). I realized, as I was laying there, that I hadn’t brushed my teeth the night before (I fell asleep on the couch and was too lazy and tired to take that extra step). I decided to get up and brush my teeth. When I went back to bed I immediately felt more relaxed and I fell back asleep pretty quickly. I am not sure what this was all about but I realize that this small thing really makes a big difference in my well being.
So what if, instead of having these huge lofty resolutions (lose 15 pounds, eat healthier, go to the gym, etc), what if my one resolution this year is to brush my teeth every night before I go to bed?
I then thought about my meditation practice and my “goal” of meditating everyday for 10 minutes. This is a resolution but in my mind I see it as “lofty.” But what if meditating everyday is not seen as lofty and is seen as a more mundane activity, like brushing my teeth? It seems like meditation should be as mundane as brushing my teeth. It should be that simple. Maybe this year I will look at it that way.
So anyway, this is what I am looking at as i go into the next year. I like Jim Grey‘s (from Down The Road) way of looking at the new year too and I am going to think about the three themes he is going to focus on.
Happy New Year, dear readers! Best wishes for 2016!
Last night at my meditation group I got in a discussion about goalless practice. This is a Zen thing – the idea that the state you are in at this moment is perfect and goals imply that you are imperfect in this moment and that you need to somehow change.
This idea of not having a goal is crazy hard to grasp, especially being informed by Western, and even, American culture. Goals are such a huge part of who we are. Who am I if I don’t have goals? What kind of a person doesn’t have goals? A person who veers off in every direction. A person who has no focus. That seems like a crazy idea to me. I was born into a strict set of things I should strive for in my life. I am supposed to get married. I am supposed to be a homeowner. I am supposed to have a good job my entire life and then retire at age 65. These are the basic goals that have been instilled in me from the time I was born.
However, as I get older, I have been warming up to the idea of being goal-less. Indeed when I ask myself that common interview question “where do you see yourself in 5 years” I kind of draw a blank. In fact, that question kind of scares me a little. I like the idea of life taking me where it wants to take me. I think life is more exciting that way. I think that, if you let it, life will unfold in ways you will never expect, and they can be completely amazing beyond your imagination.
Lately I’ve been saying things to myself like, “Why don’t I read ‘The Heart Sutra‘ everyday and see what happens.” Or “What would happen if shot one large format pinhole photo everyday.” Basically doing these things to see what will come of it. I am naturally a very curious person and this kind of experimental living works well for me.
As a result, I have found myself more immersed in the moment, rather than focused on the outcome. And when I do notice an outcome from doing this “thing” everyday I am surprised and excited by what I’ve learned. The wisdom seems to bubble up from inside my heart somewhere, rather than it being all in my head. For example, the outcome of reading The Heart Sutra everyday has been that I have learned about self compassion – which has been what I’ve needed to learn about! The outcome of shooting a large format pinhole shot everyday was that I learned a ton about how my camera works.
So now I am thinking about how I can apply this to health goals. This might be harder. I have some specific things I want to do with regard to health. I want to lose some weight – at least 15 pounds. The sad thing is that I’ve been trying to lose this 15 pounds for a long time. It has been an elusive goal. So maybe it is time to let go of this goal. Maybe instead I should say, “what would happen if I went to the gym twice a week?” Or “What would happen if I ate a salad everyday for lunch?”
Embracing goalless practice when it comes to health might be harder to do…