Today is the last day of November, and, thus, the last day of Nanoblomo 2010! Will I ever post on my blog again? that remains to be seen. I’m kind of glad the pressure’s off though (not that there was much pressure to begin with…)
For my last post I’m going to share a writing exercise from the book, “An Old Friend From Far Away” by Natalie Goldberg. I’ve been thinking about this event a lot lately. I have no idea why. It seems so insignificant. And yet, there it is, on my mind.
I miss the winters of Santa Cruz. In December we would get torrential downpours with high winds that would tear down anything in it’s path. I remember one night on a December evening after work I went out to the laundry room to switch out my laundry. It was a typical epic winter storm. Wind and rain. It was raining so hard that I was soaked in the short 100 yard walk to the laundry room. It was noisy, too. All I could hear was the rain hitting the pavement.
As I walked to the laundry room I saw this gigantic dog standing on the sidewalk a few feet from me. It was a white dog and it had short hair. It had to be half as tall as me. It was just standing there in the rain, letting it fall down on him. It didn’t run away when I approached. I didn’t actually walk up to it but I had to walk by it as I walked to the laundry room. As I moved my clothes from the washer to the dryer I was a little worried about walking back to my apartment. This dog was big and I didn’t quite trust it. It was really weird, the way it was just sitting there in the rain.
When I walked out of the laundry room it was gone. Sometimes I wonder if it was some kind of hallucination. It was really strange the way it was just standing there in this storm. But I know I have an over-active imagination. I’m sure it just left to go find it’s home.
At my meditation group there is a friend who has had to deal with a lot of death lately. She was exasperated and wondered aloud how long she would have to deal with this. “For the rest of your life” was the response.
And this is so true. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately as I’ve been going through the grieving process. This has been one of the most painful things I have ever been through. And the worst part of it is the thought that I will, most definitely, go through this again. It is inevitable. That seriously sucks. I’m sure that it won’t get better with each new experience. I’ve experienced the death of a loved one in the past. My Grandparents. I still think about them almost every day and they’ve been gone for twenty years. I even cry sometimes when I think about them.
At the same time I’m ok with it. I have to be ok with it. It’s going to happen and I can’t fight it. I guess when it happens I’ll deal with it. I will experience that pain. But rather than dwell on things that haven’t happened yet, I will enjoy those who are with me right now completely and fully while I’ve got them.
Let’s face it. The Oregon rain is getting me down a little bit. Mind you, I like the rain better than the snow and ice and I don’t want to go back to it. At least in rain you can go out and walk without the fear of slipping and falling on your ass. But the constant driving of the rain gets to me after awhile, not to mention the lack of sunlight.
The beginning of the week was a downer. I had a horrible experience at the Oregon DMV on Monday (which, I assure you, I will blog about) and everything kind of went downhill from there for the rest of the week. I woke up yesterday at 4:00 AM freaking out about all of the stuff I have to do for work and couldn’t go back to sleep. I decided that since I was up I might as well run (I started the couch to 5k program this week). It helped. As I ran I made a mental list of things that make me happy and you know what? It totally worked. I thought, “I should make a blog post about this so that when I get depressed again I can look at it and be happy again.” Guess what? Allie from Incidents and Accidents did the same thing that very day! And she asked her readers “What’s been making you smile lately?” So here are my answers:
Knitting. And anything yarn and fiber related, really. I seriously love the craft. It comforts me and calms me. It has gotten me though some rough times.
Mt. Hood. I love Mt. Hood. I have always been fascinated by this mountain, even when I was a little kid. Nothing makes me happier than seeing it when I drive to work in the morning on a clear day. When I see the peak of it it comforts me. I feel complete. Imagining the lupine meadows up at Timberline Lodge is my vision of heaven.
Watching the sunset or sunrise over the ocean. There is absolutely nothing that compares with this. It is a spiritual experience.
Santa Cruz. My heart aches with longing when I think about Santa Cruz. I miss this town so much. When I want to feel happy I think about this place. I swear, sometimes I feel like I left part of my soul there and that part of me is living out life in an alternate universe. Last winter, during the darkest part of that horrible snow we experienced, I would peek at the Santa Cruz beach Cam and it would make my day brighter.
A good song. Today, the above is that song. I think this is why running made me feel better. Listening to music is one of life’s simple pleasures.
Those are just a few things that, when I think about them, give me instant joy and bliss. And since Allie asked on her blog post, and since I think it’s an interesting subject, What makes you happy? I would really love to know! Let’s kill the winter doldrums with some positive energy!
We had a break from the torrential rain and went for a little walk to the beach. I wanted to get a picture of the rather large waves at Seabright. In the background is the Wharf, and Westside Santa Cruz. The rain started again not long after I took this picture. We are getting hammered with storms. I just walked outside for a second to the laundry room and got totally drenched!
Note from the future 10.14.2011: I wrote about what happened to me when I did the laundry in this post here.