Blatherskite

In my last post I talked about how I injured my knee. The thing about this particular injury is that it is more inconvenient than anything else. It hurts to bend my knee for any significant period of time so I can’t do things like sit in a car for very long, or drive, or even sit in a chair. Forget sitting on the floor. So I haven’t been able to meditate because it hurts to sit. I am missing two significant activities that keep me sane: running and meditating. This is not good.

You’d think that I’d be completely losing my mind, but I’m not. I am actually very surprised by this. I feel an odd sense of equanimity.

I am moving very slowly. Slowing down really changes how a person views the world around them. I am noticing everything. And sometimes I appreciate those things.  I am wondering if it is this slowing down and noticing what is around me that is helping me feel OK. I kind of like this, to be honest. I realize that I pack too much into my daily routine and it’s nice to slow down instead of rushing through life trying to do ALL THE THINGS.

I’m tempted to worry about how I will cope when I am better and I have to jump back into my regular routine. But I am giving myself permission to let all of that go and just deal with getting better right now.

I suppose I can jump into this blogging-every-day thing by telling you about how I hurt my knee.

When I was in my early twenties I was at a club in Palo Alto, on a really terrible first date, in the middle of a mosh pit. Someone slammed into me, as it just so happens. My right knee buckled and I fell to the ground. I was in a lot of pain. I heard the sound of  the lights and then I passed out. A nice guy picked me up off the floor and helped me to a place where I could lie down,  compose myself, and get some first aide. Eventually my date found me and crankily took me home.

It turns out my knee had popped out. It took a long time for it to heal. I didn’t have insurance so I couldn’t afford to go to the doctor. Ever since then I have had problems with my knee popping from time to time. It has never been as painful as that first time, but it’s been a issue to the point where I have to be careful about the kinds of sports I can participate in. Slam dancing is out of the question, as is basketball, or skiing. And meditation, apparently.

I was at my weekly meditation group a couple of weeks ago and as I stood up from my seated half lotus position my knee popped. At first I thought it was going to be one of those moments where it would only hurt for a few seconds and then I’d be ok, but no. The pain gradually increased and I had to leave the mediation hall and sit outside in a chair to wait for my husband to pick me up. As I waited the pain built up and I could hear the sound of the lights. The nausea built up and I vomited. My husband pulled up in the car and we decided that I needed to go to urgent care. He drove home to grab the crutches and an ice pack and we made the 45 minute journey to urgent care (I live in a rural town). At urgent care they took an x-ray and didn’t see anything terrible. It was just a really bad sprain. They sent me home with a knee brace and told me to stay off of it for a few days.

It’s healing. Each day I feel better. I’m feeling more confident walking without a crutch at home, and am hoping this will extend to other parts of my life soon. I’m not sure when I will be able to go running again, which I can’t think about too much or it will bum me out. I’m really just focusing right now on healing.

I feel like I’ve come full circle. At 20 I injured myself in a mosh pit. At nearly 50 I injured myself meditating.

sigh.