Blatherskite

Foolish gibberish

about

I am a Children’s Librarian living in the Portland, Oregon area. When I am not Children’s Librianing I like to play with cameras and film. I also like playing the ukulele, knitting, sketching, and hiking.

from the darkroom

August 12, 2013
I mentioned that one of my goals is to shoot a roll of black and white film each week and develop it. If I have time I also want to play around in the darkroom too. Since the Mr had to work yesterday I had lots of time!

These photos were also the first look at results from my new (to me) camera. I bought a friend’s old Canon EOS 650 and I am super excited about it. It is my first Canon and I can use the newer EF lenses with it! Apparently the camera has only been used a few times and has been in her brother’s attic since the late 80s. It was hard to contain myself when she was offering it to me.

Anyway, I was anxious to see the results of my new toy so after I developed the roll I made a few prints. Making prints is challenging for me. I have no idea what I am doing. I always make a test strip (which I hate. It’s the equivalent of knitting a swatch before embarking on a knitting project, which I also hate). However, the test strip really doesn’t do anything for me at all. I still end up wasting paper trying to get things right. On the other hand, it isn’t really a waste since I am learning (I hope). My philosophy in life is that with practice you learn. Even if it seems like it doesn’t make sense at the time.

Here are a couple more:

I am enjoying taking my camera with me everyday to work and capturing things that I see randomly. Today I am going to head into Portland with my new camera to the Japanese Gardens.
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On becoming a Buddhist (thinking outloud)

August 11, 2013
English: The enso, a symbol of Zen Buddhism (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The other day I finally made it into a popular bookstore in Portland, New Renaissance. It’s a really cool place, full of what some would call “new age” books but others might call spiritual (as opposed to religious). As I was wandering around I had my antennae up and was gauging how different sections of the store resonated. I got to to the Buddhist section, particularly the Zen Buddhist section, and felt this deep sense of security. I felt comfortable and secure and at home. I felt like I was hanging out with an old friend.

This makes me wonder if I shouldn’t go through the process of becoming an official, card carrying Buddhist. It’s actually quite the serious undertaking, which is why I haven’t considered it before now. I love what I have learned so far about Buddhism. It really resonates with me on a level I could never get with Christianity. However, I fear the idea of putting myself in a box. Christianity was so psychologically damaging to me so that is where that fear comes from. In my mind I know that Buddhism is nothing like Christianity but still. The fear is still there.
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Happy birthday Doug

August 10, 2013
Today is my stepdad, Doug’s birthday. I’ve really been missing him a lot lately. I miss our conversations and I miss his funny stories.

Here is a photo of him and and mom around the time they first met. I love this photo of them. I love the smiles on both of their faces. The old guy photo-bombing in the background is pretty great too.

I was getting ready for work this morning and was putting the last touches of makeup on when this song played on my iTunes. I had to re-apply, needless to say.

Doug often speaks to me via music. I know that may sound weird to some of you reading this but it is as real to me as you are on the other side of that computer screen you are reading this on. The right song will come on at the right moment in a very obvious way and I know it is Doug. That is what happened this morning. It is really nice to know that he is there.
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caught in a spiderweb

August 9, 2013
I think I am going to start posting everyday again. I liked checking in here every day last year. Even if it is to just post a boring update about how my day is, it is nice to have it to look back on. If nothing else I can post a photo. I always have photos.

Here is a photo I took last week as I was walking to work. I made it to Newspace Sunday and developed it myself. It’s been awhile since I’ve developed film and I had a hard time remembering how but everything seemed to go ok since there are images on the negatives. I am going to try to shoot a roll of black and white film and develop it every week so I can get back into the practice. Maybe I will even get good at it someday!
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I’m OK and you’re OK. So they say.

August 8, 2013
“I have always felt an innate sense that everything will be ok.” A friend of mine said this to me last night and it hit me rather hard – there are people out there who have this gift. They have the sense, the deep sense at the core of their being that everything is ok. I heard these words from my friend and it makes me really happy for her, that she has lived like this her whole life.

This has not been my experience. I can’t even comprehend it. I can’t wrap my mind around what it would be like to have grown up and to have lived with this sense of security. I have to work at it. Every now and then I get glimpses of it. But for the most part I have to work at it. I wake up many mornings with a feeling of dread or of sadness or of self-loathing. Much of my morning is spent cheering myself up doing things that make me happy. I put a lot of energy into trying to make myself happy.

Our culture is so obsessed with ‘happy.” We are always supposed to be happy. We are always supposed to be positive. I feel guilty for posting Facebook updates that are not “positive” sometimes because I don’t want to offend others with my attitude.

Last week I picked up This Is How by Augusten Burroughs. It is a self-help book unlike any others. The first chapter is called, “How To Feel Like Shit” and the first sentence of the chapter is “Wipe that fucking smile off your face.” I love this book. I actually believe it is very zen. It is zen because he says that we should not deny ourselves the feelings that we feel. If we feel like shit we should let ourselves feel like shit. We should look at ourselves in the mirror and tell ourselves that we feel like shit and we should examine why. We should not look at ourselves and pretend we are feeling something that we are not. I like this. I don’t think we should wallow in it, personally. I think it’s good to move on at some point. But it’s good to face your demons. How are you going to exorcise them if you pretend like they aren’t there?

All of this being said, I have to say that despite my feelings to the contrary, things usually do turn out ok. Things turn out pretty excellent in fact and when I think about all of the excellent things in my life it makes me happy.It this tried and true experience that helps me and that keeps me going.
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