grief

“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

This day 6 years ago I faced the scariest, most heart-breaking thing I have ever experienced in my life. I sat at the bedside of my step-father as he died. It was frightening to watch him leave us forever. It was frightening to be face to face with death in such a way. But on the other hand, it was also the most profound and life changing moment of my life, too. I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.

While the time between grief stretches out a bit longer these days, it still hurts when I think about it.

I don’t ever want it to ever stop hurting.

the battle with fear

Life

I want to thank you.

Life

As you can see, I’ve had a very emotional week. I rode this really awful wave of sadness, despair, and depression on Tuesday without really understanding what it was all about. This is a hard time of year for me for reasons you all know by now if you read this blog. In my head I know that and I was expecting it. But, wow. I was really emotional on Tuesday. It felt out of control and scary. When I posted that Neko Case song a few Twitter friends cheered me and made me laugh by posting happier songs. It really, really helped to move me back in a more positive direction in my head. Then last night as I was talking about my experience another friend reminded me that what I was going through didn’t sound like depression but sadness. She reminded me that we are all human and, because of this, feel a range of emotions: Sadness being one of them. And since it is “that time of year” it is appropriate to feel sad. I felt like the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders when she said this. It’s OK, and sometimes even appropriate, to feel sad. What a concept. Why do I beat myself up for feeling this emotion?

On Tuesday grief rose up in me and made itself known and I had to feel it – I had no choice. It bubbles up and you have to go through it. And I did. I cried cathartically several times Tuesday and I am glad I did. I felt better yesterday and I feel better today.

I just realized why Tuesday was so weirdly emotional. Yesterday was the  day that Doug died 4 years ago, but the day before I was up with him at his bedside basically watching him die for hours and hours. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. But I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. I loved him and he needed me in those moments and I was there for him. There is just no question that I would be there for him. The pain doesn’t even matter.

I wonder, though, if pain can echo through time? I kind of feel like that is what happened on Tuesday.

Today I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for you. Thank you for helping me through this darkness with your good thoughts and your jokes and your kind words. Thank you Thank you.

Death, Grief, Love*

Poetry

Death is the calm presence of a male nurse in the hospital room at 3 am describing the act: “You take a breath and die.”

Grief is the dull ache deep inside the soul that is always there, sometimes forgotten, but never ignored when it makes its presence known.

Love is the compulsion to drive all day, on icy roads, to say goodbye.

*Another draft I found in the Dashboard. written July 3, 2010. I was really hurting back then. I am better now. 

The Mountain by Heartless Bastards

Books, Music, Art, Movies

I happened upon this band when I searched our library’s catalog for “banjo music” so that I could get inspired to learn to play. I thought I needed to know about a band named “Heartless Bastards” so I checked out the CD “The Mountain.” I fell in love with this song immediately.  I just moved to Sandy and Mt. Hood was watching over me every day, so it resonated deeply. This song also helped me through my grieving over the loss of my step-dad.

I made a CD for my mom and put this song on it. After listening to it for six months she revealed to me that she swore they were singing, “pee into the mountain.” It made me laugh so hard. So now this song makes me laugh a little too.

I love this video. I love that they are playing this song during the magic hour at sunset. It is so beautiful.

Incidentally, they don’t sing about the joys of peeing into a mountain. Here are the lyrics:

Oh you feel and you taste it and you want to go higher
So what do you do
And so you peak into the mountain where your desire goes
Spilt blood on this place it only echoes
True all through the days
And so you peak into the mountain where your desire goes