I am going through a difficult time emotionally. There I said it. I admitted it. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my uncle (the one with the sweet ride) has lung cancer. He is not a candidate for chemotherapy so all that can be done is to wait. God damn it. This is hitting me harder than I thought it would. I am not exeptionally close to my uncle but I do make a point to see him when I am visiting home when I can. And I care very much about him. And I don’t especially want him to die of lung cancer. So I am sad at this news. Very sad.
Another thing that this is doing is stirring up grief from the death of Doug. I kind of thought I was moving past all of that but I guess not. I am finding myself crying at the most inopportune moments. Like right now while I am sitting in my office writing this. I really hope nobody walks in. (I started writing this post yesterday).
I really dislike these negative emotions and would rather avoid them. I would really rather avoid them. It makes me feel a little nuts. My inner critic beats me down and makes me feel bad for feeling these things because we are “supposed to be positive and happy” but I can’t be that way right now. I am sad and hurting and it is hard to hide the way I am feeling.
Because of this I made the decision a few days ago to cut myself off from Facebook/Twitter/instagram/Etc for awhile. But is this even rational? Why am I cutting myself off from one the ways I connect with other people because I feel bad? I feel like I don’t want others to see this side of me. I feel like I have to save myself from myself because I don’t want to over-share the negative. Why is that? At any rate, I feel safe over here on my blog. I feel like I can just be myself since that I what I do over here and have been doing for years.
In short: LUNG CANCER SUCKS AND I HATE IT.
So yeah. You may find emotional posts in this space for awhile. I am going through a bit of a bad patch and trying to bushwhack my way out.