I am going through a difficult time emotionally. There I said it. I admitted it. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my uncle (the one with the sweet ride) has lung cancer. He is not a candidate for chemotherapy so all that can be done is to wait. God damn it. This is hitting me harder than I thought it would. I am not exeptionally close to my uncle but I do make a point to see him when I am visiting home when I can. And I care very much about him. And I don’t especially want him to die of lung cancer. So I am sad at this news. Very sad.
Another thing that this is doing is stirring up grief from the death of Doug. I kind of thought I was moving past all of that but I guess not. I am finding myself crying at the most inopportune moments. Like right now while I am sitting in my office writing this. I really hope nobody walks in. (I started writing this post yesterday).
I really dislike these negative emotions and would rather avoid them. I would really rather avoid them. It makes me feel a little nuts. My inner critic beats me down and makes me feel bad for feeling these things because we are “supposed to be positive and happy” but I can’t be that way right now. I am sad and hurting and it is hard to hide the way I am feeling.
Because of this I made the decision a few days ago to cut myself off from Facebook/Twitter/instagram/Etc for awhile. But is this even rational? Why am I cutting myself off from one the ways I connect with other people because I feel bad? I feel like I don’t want others to see this side of me. I feel like I have to save myself from myself because I don’t want to over-share the negative. Why is that? At any rate, I feel safe over here on my blog. I feel like I can just be myself since that I what I do over here and have been doing for years.
In short: LUNG CANCER SUCKS AND I HATE IT.
So yeah. You may find emotional posts in this space for awhile. I am going through a bit of a bad patch and trying to bushwhack my way out.
6 thoughts on “Here we go again.”
So sorry you got such sad news 😦 And that you’re hurting. Don’t forget that you can vent to a small group on FB and that you don’t have to share with your entire TL (unlike on Twitter). I, too, keep from sharing the negative from most of my friends because I know that some just can’t deal with it (like being depressed during the tail end of this never ending Winter and dealing with my Mom’s loss of memory due to Parkinson’s). But there are a few that I feel won’t judge me that I share with. Find your IrL and online “posse” and reach out to them. You shouldn’t do this alone ((hugs)).
Thanks Tanya. You’re right. I have such a wonderful group of friends online that I really, really appreciate very much. I will figure how how to set up my Facebook to be more selective. Thanks for reminding me and thanks for the kind words and good thoughts. xo
Moni, I so respect your sharing a little part of your grief process and I completely relate to your fear around doing it. We do some things so well in our culture – we are experts at fun, entertainment, the value of positive thinking, but we really seem, in general, to lack ease or comfort around expressing sadness and grief or supporting others who are sad or grieving. I don’t see grief as a negative emotion. In my experience it has been the most powerful tool available for growth and awakening. I don’t see tears as shameful or a sign of weakness, I see them as an expression of truth. So yes, positive thinking is a powerful tool, but is grief a negative? Is sadness a negative?
Strange that for the most universal experience on the planet, the experience of loss gets so little attention in our neck of the woods. On behalf of all grieves who read your post, thank you for sharing. It gives the rest of us permission.
Emilie, thank you so much for that reminder. After I posted that I thought about my use of the word “negative” with regard to how I am feeling and I realized that it isn’t negative at all. It isn’t good or bad it just is. I am so grateful for our friendship. Thank you so much for helping me through some of these rough times. xo
I know how you feel about cutting yourself off from the online community. When I get down, I go and delete all my old posts from facebook and other social spaces. And then later I regret that because I liked some of those posts, or I want the list of books I had on goodreads or whatever. My husband tells me to stop trying to erase myself. He’s right, I’m trying to erase my pain – and it doesn’t work.
Kathryn that makes me feel so sad, the thought of you erasing yourself. I love all of your posts. You are so funny and you make me laugh all of the time. Definately keep them there next time you feel down. I know how it is though. I tend to do that too, though to a smaller degree.