It is New Year’s Eve, and this is the post where I am supposed to reflect on the year. So here goes…
Here is what I wrote on Jan 1, 2019:
I started a new habit the last week of December. I am going to get rid of at least 1 thing every day.Jan 1, 2019
I didn’t do this. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did this for a few weeks. And then I stopped. I had this long list of things I wanted to do: play ukulele, get better at drawing, write poetry, etc. Again, I did none of those things. I didn’t write a single line of poetry this year and I didn’t even try. My ukulele practicing was off and on. I drew everyday but I don’t feel like I improved much. I read this journal entry this morning and was tempted to feel like a failure. But then again, I think this past year I realized some things about myself which cancel out this feeling of failure. I realized that when I am not depressed I tend to think that I can tackle ALL OF THE THINGS. This is very unrealistic. Because then when I enter a state of depression I can maybe do 25 percent of the things, if I’m lucky. And by “things” I mean, just the basics, like cleaning my house and making dinner. So I learned to be wary of the Monica who feels good enough to do ALL THE THINGS.
This is progress. This is me being kinder to myself. This is me being realistic.
There is a part of me that doesn’t feel hopeful for the future. Our climate outlook is bleak. Trump is still president. things are grim. 2020 is going to be a dumpster fire.
But I don’t want to go down that path. So I will focus on the positive. Here are a few highlights:
This past year, on a personal level, has been fantastic. A year ago I had no idea that my husband and I would be in the place we are in now. Today we are looking at opportunities that I didn’t even think were possible a year ago. In that way this past year has been magical and I can’t help but be very grateful. I’m being a bit vague here, and I apologize for that.
I spent my summer immersed in The Diamond Sutra. It was intense, eye opening, and transformative.
I visited Boston for Pinholeday and met up with some of my pinhole buddies while touring the city. I got to see Salem while I was there.
I got to hold actual Moon rocks!
I danced with my family at my neice’s wedding.
It really was a great year.
Do I dare have hope for 2020? When I look at all of the good things from 2019 year I think I can allow a bit of hope. But I am also looking at things realistically.
I will check in tomorrow to talk a little bit about my plans for next year. Until then, I wish you all a fabulous New Years Eve.
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